Twentysomethings

Most of the young women that I have been working with in my practice this week fall in this age range and I gave them this name, saying "Ah, you twentysomethings!". Come to find out this descriptor has already been used with there being websites, blogs and even a business with that name. I read somewhere that this group is approaching their "quarter-life crisis". My goodness! Isn't a midlife crisis enough?

But I'm concerned about these young ladies. I found myself wanting to wrap each one of them in my arms and give them a big hug. They look so grownup on the outside, holding captive the little girl who is on the inside. With just a nudge and the offering of my safety and protection, the door opens and the little girl comes bursting out. They even begin to look like little girls as they hang their heads and the tears begin to run down their cheeks. This is especially true of those who have suffered emotional, physical or sexual abuse during their childhoods. My message: "It' OK now; no one can hurt you anymore; let down those walls."

So why are they in my office? Many of them have, unfortunately chosen to marry at a time when they are not emotionally ready. There has been an extended adolescence. Emotional tasks previously completed in teenage years are still left uncompleted in the early twenties these days. I admit to needing to learn more about the reasons for this. These young women are not ready to face the demands of a making a lifelong relationship commitment because they have not finished with the establishment of their own individual identities. They are clueless when I ask them questions regarding who they are and what they want to do with their lives. The same is probably true for young men but young men do not typically find themselves sitting by choice in a psychologist's office. Also, it's time for many of them to begin to face the demons of their past, finally breaking away from abusive parents. They thought out of sight-out of mind would be the answer, having moved clear across the country in many instances. However, those horrific memories remain in their minds and in their hearts.

So often these young people try to outrun their sadness, anger, anxiety and other negative emotions. They resort to partying, spending time in the clubs, arguing and distancing themselves from boyfriends, husbands and partners. All sorts of behaviors are evidenced to try to fight the funk. They begin to realize that their lives are out of control and that they need help. The first step is to learn to BE STILL, to learn to sit quietly and to become MINDFUL of the feelings. They have to gain insight into what the feelings are in order to develop healthy coping strategies. This is a brief description of a long process. I am sharing this though to say that change and ultimately emotional healing are possible.

So twentysomethings and those of you in some sort of association with twentysomethings, this post has been for you. This is the time to focus on your PERSONAL GROWTH, deciding who you are and what you want to do with your life. This is the time to work on any unfinished business with your family of origin before moving forward towards making your own family. I say there's a good chance that you are not ready. I'm aware though that you may not listen to me. Being twentysomething, you know more than I know since I'm still living "back in the day" and I'm not "up with" the trends of the new generation...another issue..for another post...

"This Too Shall Pass"

An important life skill that I have personally adopted and now pass on to others is the systematic and deliberate use of positive self-statements when necessary. These can serve as the antidote to those poisonous negative thoughts. Optimally, it's best to use inspirational messages that you can recall from loved ones from your past. I was blessed to have many of these stored in my memory from parents and grandparents. Sometimes these quotes just pop up and I find myself actually speaking their words.

"This Too Shall Pass" is one of my favorites that my mother used to almost always tell me when I came to her struggling with what seemed to be insurmountable difficulties at that particular time. I came here to share this message with you today. I find this statement to be helpful to this very day. Even more importantly, I'm here to claim that this statement is TRUE. As I shared previously, those negative emotions lie to us, blocking our thought process and the ability to come up with solutions to our problems. Clearheaded and calm, we typically can come up with THE ANSWERS or, at least, the means of comforting ourselves.

What are some self-statements that you can use to make it all better for yourself? I'll continue to share mine. But what will be GREAT for YOU will be to call on the MESSAGES from your own past. Who do you still carry with you in your heart and MIND that can add some love and encouragement to your day when you most need it?

Don't Believe Your Thoughts

I've been studying the concept of MINDFULNESS, a popular notion now among psychotherapists. Based on Buddhist psychological principles, it is basically the skill of maintaining focused attention on the present moment, not allowing yourself to be distracted by negative emotions. The object is to gain clarity and the truth about what is happening, not allowing yourself to be troubled by any disturbing thoughts. Especially when you are feeling gloomy, disappointed, frustrated or any one or more of the emotions that comprise despair, your thoughts will begin to tell you lies. The negativity tries to overrule you. Your thoughts will be consumed with "I never", "I can't" and a whole host of other words and phrases communicating hopelessness and a sense of failure. Being MINDFUL, the goal is to forcefully STOP THIS TRAIN. Stay within the present moment. Sit quietly. Take deep breaths. Play your favorite relaxing music. Light some candles. Then, with regard to your mind, begin to SEEK THE TRUTH. Don't believe those lies that you have been telling yourself. Force yourself to focus entirely on the positive aspects of your life. Yes, force yourself to focus on your blessings and to focus on anticipating your future. The key is that you are in control of your mind. Don't let your mind control you.

The Meaning of LIfe

If you find yourself suffering, for whatever reason, like many of us these days, I urge you to take this as an opportunity to grow. Take this as an opportunity to begin to discover who you are and what you want out of life. As Viktor Frankl states in his wonderful, life-changing book for me, Man's Search for Meaning, "everything can be taken from a man but one thing...the last of human freedoms..to choose one's attitude..to choose one's own way"... So even though this may be a difficult time in your life, do not allow yourself to be robbed of losing faith in the promise of your future. There is work for each of us specifically to get accomplished. Each of us has our own specific mission in life that demands our fulfillment.

I'm saying to look past the current suffering. Look past the current moment towards the life tasks that await you in the future. I think the problem is that we have been fooled into thinking that suffering is not a necessary part of life. We must accept suffering as unavoidable. In fact, we should perhaps embrace it and be thankful for it. The suffering motivates us to search for meaning. The suffering causes us to truly appreciate true love which can lift us up. The suffering sends us on a quest for laughter, humor..the joy of life.

My message today to those of you who give my life meaning...

Welcome Aboard

I decided on this new venture for 2009, a chance to share more of my thoughts as a psychotherapist. Hopefully, my 26 years of knowledge and experience in emotional healing can be helpful to any of you that choose to visit with me here. We'll see how it goes...WELCOME!!